i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
