You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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