if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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