you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
