the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
