was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
