I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
