Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
