the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
