Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
