Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
