i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i love accidental penises.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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