My hand turned me down
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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