You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
