Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
well you can't waste a boner
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Randomize
