its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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