dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
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