my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
