My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
