sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
