dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
