I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
