Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
