I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
