I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
