made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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