Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize