Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
