Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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