Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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