you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
