I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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