I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
