chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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