she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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