1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Non-Jews are for practice
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
