I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
