It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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