he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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