the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
