PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
