dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
