separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
