Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
