it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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