it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
