Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
