"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Damn victory sex feels great
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