Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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