I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
