Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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