you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
