So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
