we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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