what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
