you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
