I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
