My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
