yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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