I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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